Self Revelations
125 pounds and a new nickname, “Stick”. More often women use the familiar nickname, “Skinny-Minnie” when addressing me. Either name is fine with me. My journey back to this weight has been both long and short. When I set my mind to it the weight loss occurred over a five-month period. “Stubborn” should really be my nickname. I never gave up hope that I could return to my teenage figure. The sacrifices involved giving up sugar-laden food, alcohol and bread, eating instead lots of fish, salads, pita bread and fruits. Many have asked my secret to weight loss. The answer is you have to have the “want” to be thin, the drive and willpower to maintain your goal and to exercise in some way every day. When potential dates have mentioned going to various and numerous restaurants I’ve told them wasting time gorging myself with food is no longer an activity I care to pursue. Sedentary men are weeded out, more active men understand.
Life is full of goals for me, to be a better person, learn more, “be” more. The current goal is to train my dogs to the best of my ability. It saddens and upsets me that the information is available but seems to be reserved for the few who have the money to pursue the more talented trainers. I’d heard about creating the “want”, teaching a dog to enjoy and ask for the human pursuits we request of them. Finally the doors have opened for me, through the generosity of other talented and gifted trainers. Positive training DOES create a trusting, working relationship with our dogs. Combined with that there has to be some tough love, rules and boundaries. I’ve learned to talk to the dogs and repetitiously tell them what I want. Words that I would never dream of using with a canine are now in everyday use-turn around, relax, give me your collar, a constant affirmation to my companions, yes, this is what I want and need from you. The use of the clicker has made training easier. “Mickey!” He looks up at me and I click and treat. After a weekend doing this Mickey knows when he is running loose in a field that hearing his name and running promptly to me can mean tasty treats. He doesn’t get rewarded every time, nor does his running necessarily have to end for the day. The lesson is to teach him to come quickly to me, no matter the distractions. Mickey proves to be an excellent student. Our love and trust for each other grows.
Rambunctious Levi is learning “close” means to get into and remain in heel position looking up at me. His reward for heeling close is a hidden toy dropped down from my armpit to his mouth. Levi is special, another lifetime dog. He is intelligent, beautiful and positive, loved by everyone.
My goal this coming year is to more closely emulate and learn from the following trainers-Bobbie Anderson, Sylvia Bishop and Celeste Meade. River and I need to finish his Rally titles, RA, RE and RAE and finally step into the Utility ring. Levi needs his tracking title. It will be a good release for his pent up energy. Contrasting with that is the more closely required heeling for his RA, RE, RAE, CD and CDX. He is quite capable of attaining all these titles this coming year. The only thing I expect from little Mickey are fun classes-wild card Novice, pre-novice or maybe even the RN. He is a gem, a mix of sedate River and hyper Levi, intelligent, independent, calm but with moments of energy and silliness, my hiking partner. He needs tracking also, showing a strong ability to think his way through obstacles to the glove.
Have I taken on too much? That seems to be my style to constantly push beyond myself, stumbling and frustrated every step of the way. But I’ve just attained my first and biggest goal-weight loss. Anything is possible to those of us with a stubborn resolve to prove ourselves better. People expect nothing from someone who is quiet and ugly. It is with a great deal of pride that I prove them wrong over and over. Perhaps that is why men grow tired of me. I don’t stay in the box of contentment and mediocrity, I’m always pushing, asking and wanting more out of life. The challenge is to find a man who, like me, dares to be different, who dares to step out of the box to enjoy a senior life together, free from credit card debt, living off the land in the country, free from working in a city office cubicle, exercising every day and of course, living with my wonderful dogs.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Favorite Sayings
“Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hang on to” – Kathy Bates, line from the movie Delores Clayborne (Stephen King)
S.I.N.G.L.E. – Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday! – Jeff Foxworthy, heard on Comedy Radio, 970 am, Portland, Oregon
“It’s a dog eat dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear”-Norm from the TV show Cheers.
From the TV series, “The Golden Girls:
Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Gastro Intestinal Breach-“fart”
FROM LOOSE CANNONS COMPILED BY AUTUMN STEPHENS:
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience”. – Dr. Samuel Johnson
“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more”. – James Stephens
“It’s not easy to get the weight off. I’ve been walking, jogging three miles a day. But you know what the best way is? Young men!” Aretha Franklin
“It’s like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!” Merrill Markoe
“The best way to hold a man is in your arms.” Mae West
“The roosters may crow but the hens deliver the goods.” – Ann Richards
“The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” - Lupe Valez
“I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night”
“Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable”. Carrie Snow
S.I.N.G.L.E. – Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday! – Jeff Foxworthy, heard on Comedy Radio, 970 am, Portland, Oregon
“It’s a dog eat dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear”-Norm from the TV show Cheers.
From the TV series, “The Golden Girls:
Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Gastro Intestinal Breach-“fart”
FROM LOOSE CANNONS COMPILED BY AUTUMN STEPHENS:
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience”. – Dr. Samuel Johnson
“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more”. – James Stephens
“It’s not easy to get the weight off. I’ve been walking, jogging three miles a day. But you know what the best way is? Young men!” Aretha Franklin
“It’s like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!” Merrill Markoe
“The best way to hold a man is in your arms.” Mae West
“The roosters may crow but the hens deliver the goods.” – Ann Richards
“The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” - Lupe Valez
“I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night”
“Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable”. Carrie Snow
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Another Happy Dog Weekend
I’m relaxing after a weekend of dog time, housework, making jewelry and finishing a book or two. I’m happy. The weekend has concluded with a day of dog training. Although the training match I went to was overbooked and I never DID make it into the ring, the time spent ringside was not wasted. My black and white BC and I did the Novice and Open obedience exercises both ringside and out in the parking lot. With a new dog it is necessary to determine how the dog will acclimate to the entire show scene. Will other dogs in close quarters bother him? Will he lunge toward every person who walks by my chair? There were some attempts by him to be overly friendly but by the end of four hours he was still hyper and knew what his limits were. He is becoming such a good dog that I am encouraged to enter him in the September and November shows. It is a scary proposition. I love his energy but that is what is his downfall. He gets a wild hair and forgets where he is. On the other hand he is VERY sensitive so needs to be reprimanded sharply and then given something positive to do. Harping on him or nagging him accomplishes nothing but a hang-dog look. He shuts down or acts nervous, trying to appease me by doing obedience exercises randomly. We are kindred spirits and I understand his nature. He makes me laugh even when he is up to his elbows in trouble.
Afterwards, my young white and black BC and I went for a walk. He is becoming better and better about not pulling. I decided to put a loose fitting choke chain on him while walking. He can correct himself and I can tell him what a good boy he is.
The older dog, Brown BC, and I did some Utility training. It is funny how his memory improves when I bring out the liver cookies. He hates the Utility signal drop but when he knows a cookie is coming he suddenly can drop like a rock. All the exercises are coming along. There is a lot of work before the September shows though. I can at least enter him in the Open B classes. Now that he knows the Open work his confidence is better and he is a joy to show. Previously, he would get nervous in the ring and start sniffing and lagging. At a recent training match he was a bundle of energy and worked hard in the ring. Of course, it could be he’s picking up on MY positive energy?
With my weight loss I have gained energy, determination and a very strong desire to get back into the obedience ring and have fun. It’s time and I’m in the mood to train, train, train. The dogs love the attention. I am now more positive, self confident and have a stronger belief that things happen for a reason. This was a weekend to reflect, spend time with the dogs and look to the future. Next weekend’s agenda: a hike up Mt Hood from Government Camp with a friend, her Golden Retriever and one of my BC’s.
(Update: weight is now 139 pounds!)
Afterwards, my young white and black BC and I went for a walk. He is becoming better and better about not pulling. I decided to put a loose fitting choke chain on him while walking. He can correct himself and I can tell him what a good boy he is.
The older dog, Brown BC, and I did some Utility training. It is funny how his memory improves when I bring out the liver cookies. He hates the Utility signal drop but when he knows a cookie is coming he suddenly can drop like a rock. All the exercises are coming along. There is a lot of work before the September shows though. I can at least enter him in the Open B classes. Now that he knows the Open work his confidence is better and he is a joy to show. Previously, he would get nervous in the ring and start sniffing and lagging. At a recent training match he was a bundle of energy and worked hard in the ring. Of course, it could be he’s picking up on MY positive energy?
With my weight loss I have gained energy, determination and a very strong desire to get back into the obedience ring and have fun. It’s time and I’m in the mood to train, train, train. The dogs love the attention. I am now more positive, self confident and have a stronger belief that things happen for a reason. This was a weekend to reflect, spend time with the dogs and look to the future. Next weekend’s agenda: a hike up Mt Hood from Government Camp with a friend, her Golden Retriever and one of my BC’s.
(Update: weight is now 139 pounds!)
Thursday, July 19, 2007
How to Lose Weight in this Fat World-Part I:
Everyone who looks in the mirror in disgust reaches a point where his or her “weight number” is just too high. For some people the number may be 110 pounds and for others it can be 300 pounds or more. At 5’4” my number became 160 pounds. When people made fun of me, when I looked 4-5 months pregnant, none of my clothes fit anymore and size 14 was becoming tight it was time to make a change. Every where I looked there were magazine articles about losing weight, row upon row of books in the library on becoming healthy, thin and happy. Some of the books and articles were drastic and some required a fat bank account to buy organic foods, use expensive vitamins or purchase a special piece of exercise equipment. I was determined that there had to be an easy way to lose this ugly fat that was making my life so miserable. The answer is oh, so simple.
“Eat to survive, not for fun.” Stop and look at every thing you put into your mouth and say to yourself, “Will this nourish me or only satisfy me emotionally?” The answer is shocking. Do we eat only when we are hungry or because food is so readily available? Is it so bad to be a little bit hungry during the day?
In my search for the return of my 118-pound figure, I started with Kevin Trudeau’s books. His style of writing is hard to follow and repetitious but if you read all three of his books eventually you understand that what he is saying is true. The FDA is worthless, our food is tainted to make us eat more, there are natural cures for our ailments and diseases and it IS possible to lose weight in America. But to do so you have to be aware of what you are putting in your mouth EVERY day. To do so you have to stop going to fast food restaurants. I watched the movie, “Super Size Me”. It was disgusting to watch. I haven’t been to McDonalds since watching this film.
Do not eat anything with high fructose corn syrup. Do you realize this substance is even found in bread? Sugar is addictive, the more you eat, the more you WANT to eat. Look at serving sizes. I now eat a medium size breakfast, large lunch and small supper. Get plenty of sleep. Exercise every day and every opportunity. Walk places, follow Jorge Cruso’s book, “8 Minutes in the Morning”. Pick up exercise tapes from the library. Walk the dog for 4 miles in the evening. Say NO to sweets at work. Keep saying out loud, “No thanks. I like skinny.” People will dislike your will power. Don’t let them sabotage your goal. Drink herb tea if you are absolutely craving a candy bar. Amazingly by the time the tea is gone so has the urge to pig out.
It is becoming easier and easier to just say NO to fatty foods!
“Eat to survive, not for fun.” Stop and look at every thing you put into your mouth and say to yourself, “Will this nourish me or only satisfy me emotionally?” The answer is shocking. Do we eat only when we are hungry or because food is so readily available? Is it so bad to be a little bit hungry during the day?
In my search for the return of my 118-pound figure, I started with Kevin Trudeau’s books. His style of writing is hard to follow and repetitious but if you read all three of his books eventually you understand that what he is saying is true. The FDA is worthless, our food is tainted to make us eat more, there are natural cures for our ailments and diseases and it IS possible to lose weight in America. But to do so you have to be aware of what you are putting in your mouth EVERY day. To do so you have to stop going to fast food restaurants. I watched the movie, “Super Size Me”. It was disgusting to watch. I haven’t been to McDonalds since watching this film.
Do not eat anything with high fructose corn syrup. Do you realize this substance is even found in bread? Sugar is addictive, the more you eat, the more you WANT to eat. Look at serving sizes. I now eat a medium size breakfast, large lunch and small supper. Get plenty of sleep. Exercise every day and every opportunity. Walk places, follow Jorge Cruso’s book, “8 Minutes in the Morning”. Pick up exercise tapes from the library. Walk the dog for 4 miles in the evening. Say NO to sweets at work. Keep saying out loud, “No thanks. I like skinny.” People will dislike your will power. Don’t let them sabotage your goal. Drink herb tea if you are absolutely craving a candy bar. Amazingly by the time the tea is gone so has the urge to pig out.
It is becoming easier and easier to just say NO to fatty foods!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Single Dog Lover Seeks Same
If I were to write an online advertisement searching for my perfect mate how would it read? How could I describe myself in 1000 words or less? How do you cram a lifetime of experiences into one spellbinding paragraph?
When I read an ad for a man I look for something easy to read by someone who knows how to use spell check. If he describes his personality does he mention honesty, loyalty and respect? Most important what are his interests? Does he describe himself as a good communicator? Does he mention his good sense of humor without bragging about being the life of the party? Is he a renaissance man, interested in numerous things or does he only mention his Harley and his beer? Does his picture show he has had a hair cut within the last three months? Does he have any hair? Does he mention his dog? (25 points for that one!)
I would describe myself as honest, down to earth, not afraid to communicate, able to laugh at myself, looking for a respectful relationship, a man who would give me kisses and hugs and who would enjoy receiving the same from me. I’m a low maintenance (never had a Nordstrom credit card) blue jeans type of person; enjoy recreational hiking and bike riding (no “century” distances, please), horseback riding, making jewelry, and reading new books to discover more about the world around us. The most important item about me: I love and am loved by my wonderful Border Collies and expect my man to understand this relationship and not feel threatened by their energy and demands. I am also involved in the world of competitive dog obedience and tracking.
I’m an employed government employee, college educated, a magazine columnist, 5’4”, working towards a goal of 128 pounds, who enjoys eating healthy food. I love the state of Oregon, walking along Tolovana Beach and would like to spend more time exploring it and see the beauty around us. You introduce me to snow shoeing and panning for gold and I’ll introduce you to spelunking and a great place to find thunder eggs.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Anatomy of a Broken Relationship
It is over. It was sudden. He had apparently been planning his removal from my life for quite some time. I have to say he was quite the actor but in the end his poor character won out. Lies upon lies were the end of him. I found out what he was planning. Did he think I had never been lied to before?
We had met online at Yahoo.com in June 2005. Eventually we met on July 4th, 2005 for a picnic at Champoeg Park. He seemed like a nice person, no visible quirks, humps, moles or missing teeth. We spent the next hour or so getting to know each other and I was pretty impressed. It is interesting in retrospect the things we hide from a new relationship. Over the next few weeks I was to find out he lived in a trailer—with his mother-but no mention of how long he had been divorced. He had two children-girls, going through college. He liked the outdoors, hiking, camping, bike riding, kayaking and had a job as an engineer for a local aircraft supply company. I was to find out over a two-year period that he was obsessed with being in peak physical condition. I was to find out when he moved in with me that his diet was filled with sugar. It was a good thing that he exercised a lot.
We dated over the summer, going to the movies, restaurants, the beach. It was strange that he never gave me a kiss goodnight and actually pushed me off once when I tried to hug him at the end of a date. Did I smell? Was I sexually unappealing? Date after date and he barely touched me. Eventually he DID kiss me. He spent the night, leaving early to return to his mom’s place.
At one point he told me his brother was moving back to the family farm and taking possession of the trailer along with his girlfriend. The mother was moving to a retirement community. That left RJ with no place to live. Oddly enough, he had never moved on after his divorce and never found or looked for a place of his own. I was to find out this was a pattern in his life, living off one person after another, inheriting his grandparents house, being in the military, living in an old trailer in Klamath Falls while attending college (where he remained a student for SIX years).
My mortgage was very steep and I asked him if he wanted to move in with me. In mid-September, 2005, he moved into my home with me and the two dogs I owned at the time. He turned out to be a fun and funny, generous, kind person. Our first year together was a very happy time for both of us. Note that on one of our early bike riding dates I had told him, when asked, that I did NOT want to play house. I would like to be married again. Nevertheless, we ended up “playing house.”
Over the two-year period I took on another dog. The house was getting smaller, three hyper Border Collies and two people. My time was taken up with work, the dogs, a new (unpaid) job as correspondent for a dog training magazine and a new hobby making jewelry. Unfortunately, with the regular meals, eating out, heavy desserts, I gained weight and became unusually tired, dizzy and swollen. I went to doctor after doctor trying to find out what was going on. Was it Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, a pituitary problem? I spent almost two thousand dollars trying to find out why I had no energy and couldn’t keep up with RJ and his desire for me to ski, bike, hike and dance. It was not until after he left that I was able to determine what had been going on.
It became apparent by a year and a half that RJ had no intention of marrying me. I was not good enough for him and he was letting me know in little ways, things he said, comments here and there, talking down to me like I was one of his overweight daughters or his obese ex-wife.
We talked about selling my house and moving out to the county. He let me know that he had absolutely no intention of buying a house together with me. “I’ve seen how you spend your money and it isn’t on your house.” I was being scrutinized and didn’t like it one bit. The pressure was building for me to be more perfect so I could continue to be RJ’s girlfriend. “Meeting someone online is NOT the way to go”, he said one day to me. I felt worthless. He must have been embarrassed to be seen in public with me. But I continued to cook his meals, wash his clothes and be wife-like in every way I could. (Update: June 30th, 2007 and he is back on the yahoo.com dating website.)
We started to look for houses in the country. It became apparent that the places he considered livable or buildable were dumps. Did I want to live in an old trailer in hilly county or in a swampy area? No way would I give up my new house on the edge of town for one of these places. Each place he showed me was worse that the one before but he found a reason to like it. I was getting the picture loud and clear. He wanted to spend very little and somehow get a big return in value. But finally he mentioned a location that I knew would be outstanding. We drove up to S Day Hill Road in Estacada. There stood our dream acreage with a small new trailer parked on it, the sewer and well already in. But RJ had never even been to the bank to get pre-approved. He couldn’t make an offer to the owner since he REALLY didn’t know what he could afford. That was around April. By early June he had been to a couple of mortgage brokers. There were several reasons he came up with why this ideal property was no longer good. It was too far, too expensive, too big. Was it because several of my friends lived in the Estacada area? He had no friends. Was he jealous of the time and support I may receive from them? Did he have financial problems or did he just not want the commitment of owning his own home?
By the second week of June it was apparent that he was now showing himself to be the man that his ex-wife had left. He was not crude or abusive but distant and kept talking down to me like I was stupid. The last straw was when he asked me to go hiking with him in Molalla. He was going to lead a hike the following weekend and wanted to scope out the area, although he had hiked there several times before. We took my dog, Levi. I had asked him three times how long the hike was. Each time he assured me the route was only three or four miles. Imagine my surprise when he drove to the trailhead and the sign said four miles ONE way. He had lied to me so I would hike with him. Not a good start. Halfway up the trail I was out of breath and finally stopped. “Why don’t you just leave me here and go up without me”, I said sarcastically. He merely said, “Okay”, and left me, taking my dog with him. For the next mile I slowly walked up the trail – alone, emotionally hurt, abandoned and somewhat shocked. The man who led BergeFreunde hikes had simply left his girlfriend alone in the woods on a strange trail. I continued up the trail, occasionally meeting other hikers. He had told me there was a “scree” up ahead on the trail. It was a large rock fall but at this time of year it was covered in snow. It was hard to tell which way the trail went. I slipped and slid across the rocks and snow and finally arrived on the other side where the snow had melted and it was only loose gravel. At that time I lost my balance and started to fall down the hill. But I finally regained my footing and continued on. Moments later it happened again. Since I didn’t know where I was going I was getting more upset and frustrated and finally turned around to hike back down to the truck alone. While crossing the snow I fell twice. I was getting more and more upset that my, at one time, wonderful boyfriend left me without a thought of my safety. Part way down the trail I broke down in tears and continued crying for about an hour, all the way down the trail to the truck. RJ finally returned and asked what happened. Perhaps one of the hikers had mentioned that I was crying? I hugged my dog fiercely and turned to RJ, “Well, that was fun!” I again said sarcastically. He drove us down the mountain, while I cried in the front seat. Finally, he stopped and asked what was wrong. He didn’t have a clue. He said he was sorry, he did lie and he only heard what he wanted to hear, thinking I’d just wait on the trail for an hour or so while he walked on ahead. Would he do the same with the BergeFreunde members?
The next few days a part of me wanted to discuss what was going on with us. But I really had reached the point where I didn’t care. He had showed how unfeeling he could be. I said after the hike that I was upset about being overweight. I have a sedentary job and it is hard to just get up one morning and hike eight miles after gaining weight. He arrogantly said he was heavy at one time but with diet and exercise he was down to his current weight. I thought about who had been feeding him nutritious meals in the last two years. I had helped him become fit and he had no concern for the impact the meals were having on me. I can’t drink wine or beer. I had told him that over and over, yet he brought home alcohol without a thought to what I had said. I told him I wanted to eat less and eat better but he immediately make extra chocolate chip cookies or bought me a huge ice cream cone.
Finally, after the hike, I quit fixing meals, quit eating things with sugar, and started walking more. I lost ten pounds easily. When I mentioned the weight loss to RJ he snidely remarked that was only because it was summer and I was outside more. So much for being supportive. It was becoming harder to like this man and to take his rude remarks. Finally, I “found out” (we women do have our ways) that he had been planning (with the advise of his mom) to leave me and was surrepticously packing up items here and there. Numerous times he asked if I was going to be out one particular night. I mean with all the stealth why didn’t he just come out and say to my face that he was leaving? In the end he showed he has no conflict resolution skills and simply wimped out. When forced in an email to give a reason he only said we had nothing in common and he was moving on. I took the time off work on June 11th to supervise his packing. When he had loaded the moving truck I asked for my house keys, spun on my heels with my back to him and calmly walked inside my (own) house. Who is the loser now?
To date I am eleven pounds on the way to the forty pounds that I want to lose to a goal of 118 pounds! I eat to survive now and not for fun. No one will EVER, EVER make fun of me for being overweight again.
Days after he left, my doctor determined I have the Epstein Barr virus. There was no way I would have been able to bike a century ride or hike 15 miles until this virus is under control. But if RJ had truly loved me he could have/would have said he would support me and do whatever was necessary for me to be healthy so we could enjoy the outdoors together. It turned out that when things weren’t perfect for him he did what he had done before, moved on to mooch off someone else.
Do I feel better now? As I write this it is June 23, 2007. I have set goals for my weight, my finances and my future. When God closes one door he opens another. Opportunities are always around us, good relationships are out there. I CHOOSE not to let this two-year event harden me or make me closed to the future with a passionate, loving, caring man. I am strong. I am a women. I am capable of being the slender, athletic female I have always been. I will be happy because I believe God would have it no other way. He will direct me and protect me.
We had met online at Yahoo.com in June 2005. Eventually we met on July 4th, 2005 for a picnic at Champoeg Park. He seemed like a nice person, no visible quirks, humps, moles or missing teeth. We spent the next hour or so getting to know each other and I was pretty impressed. It is interesting in retrospect the things we hide from a new relationship. Over the next few weeks I was to find out he lived in a trailer—with his mother-but no mention of how long he had been divorced. He had two children-girls, going through college. He liked the outdoors, hiking, camping, bike riding, kayaking and had a job as an engineer for a local aircraft supply company. I was to find out over a two-year period that he was obsessed with being in peak physical condition. I was to find out when he moved in with me that his diet was filled with sugar. It was a good thing that he exercised a lot.
We dated over the summer, going to the movies, restaurants, the beach. It was strange that he never gave me a kiss goodnight and actually pushed me off once when I tried to hug him at the end of a date. Did I smell? Was I sexually unappealing? Date after date and he barely touched me. Eventually he DID kiss me. He spent the night, leaving early to return to his mom’s place.
At one point he told me his brother was moving back to the family farm and taking possession of the trailer along with his girlfriend. The mother was moving to a retirement community. That left RJ with no place to live. Oddly enough, he had never moved on after his divorce and never found or looked for a place of his own. I was to find out this was a pattern in his life, living off one person after another, inheriting his grandparents house, being in the military, living in an old trailer in Klamath Falls while attending college (where he remained a student for SIX years).
My mortgage was very steep and I asked him if he wanted to move in with me. In mid-September, 2005, he moved into my home with me and the two dogs I owned at the time. He turned out to be a fun and funny, generous, kind person. Our first year together was a very happy time for both of us. Note that on one of our early bike riding dates I had told him, when asked, that I did NOT want to play house. I would like to be married again. Nevertheless, we ended up “playing house.”
Over the two-year period I took on another dog. The house was getting smaller, three hyper Border Collies and two people. My time was taken up with work, the dogs, a new (unpaid) job as correspondent for a dog training magazine and a new hobby making jewelry. Unfortunately, with the regular meals, eating out, heavy desserts, I gained weight and became unusually tired, dizzy and swollen. I went to doctor after doctor trying to find out what was going on. Was it Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, a pituitary problem? I spent almost two thousand dollars trying to find out why I had no energy and couldn’t keep up with RJ and his desire for me to ski, bike, hike and dance. It was not until after he left that I was able to determine what had been going on.
It became apparent by a year and a half that RJ had no intention of marrying me. I was not good enough for him and he was letting me know in little ways, things he said, comments here and there, talking down to me like I was one of his overweight daughters or his obese ex-wife.
We talked about selling my house and moving out to the county. He let me know that he had absolutely no intention of buying a house together with me. “I’ve seen how you spend your money and it isn’t on your house.” I was being scrutinized and didn’t like it one bit. The pressure was building for me to be more perfect so I could continue to be RJ’s girlfriend. “Meeting someone online is NOT the way to go”, he said one day to me. I felt worthless. He must have been embarrassed to be seen in public with me. But I continued to cook his meals, wash his clothes and be wife-like in every way I could. (Update: June 30th, 2007 and he is back on the yahoo.com dating website.)
We started to look for houses in the country. It became apparent that the places he considered livable or buildable were dumps. Did I want to live in an old trailer in hilly county or in a swampy area? No way would I give up my new house on the edge of town for one of these places. Each place he showed me was worse that the one before but he found a reason to like it. I was getting the picture loud and clear. He wanted to spend very little and somehow get a big return in value. But finally he mentioned a location that I knew would be outstanding. We drove up to S Day Hill Road in Estacada. There stood our dream acreage with a small new trailer parked on it, the sewer and well already in. But RJ had never even been to the bank to get pre-approved. He couldn’t make an offer to the owner since he REALLY didn’t know what he could afford. That was around April. By early June he had been to a couple of mortgage brokers. There were several reasons he came up with why this ideal property was no longer good. It was too far, too expensive, too big. Was it because several of my friends lived in the Estacada area? He had no friends. Was he jealous of the time and support I may receive from them? Did he have financial problems or did he just not want the commitment of owning his own home?
By the second week of June it was apparent that he was now showing himself to be the man that his ex-wife had left. He was not crude or abusive but distant and kept talking down to me like I was stupid. The last straw was when he asked me to go hiking with him in Molalla. He was going to lead a hike the following weekend and wanted to scope out the area, although he had hiked there several times before. We took my dog, Levi. I had asked him three times how long the hike was. Each time he assured me the route was only three or four miles. Imagine my surprise when he drove to the trailhead and the sign said four miles ONE way. He had lied to me so I would hike with him. Not a good start. Halfway up the trail I was out of breath and finally stopped. “Why don’t you just leave me here and go up without me”, I said sarcastically. He merely said, “Okay”, and left me, taking my dog with him. For the next mile I slowly walked up the trail – alone, emotionally hurt, abandoned and somewhat shocked. The man who led BergeFreunde hikes had simply left his girlfriend alone in the woods on a strange trail. I continued up the trail, occasionally meeting other hikers. He had told me there was a “scree” up ahead on the trail. It was a large rock fall but at this time of year it was covered in snow. It was hard to tell which way the trail went. I slipped and slid across the rocks and snow and finally arrived on the other side where the snow had melted and it was only loose gravel. At that time I lost my balance and started to fall down the hill. But I finally regained my footing and continued on. Moments later it happened again. Since I didn’t know where I was going I was getting more upset and frustrated and finally turned around to hike back down to the truck alone. While crossing the snow I fell twice. I was getting more and more upset that my, at one time, wonderful boyfriend left me without a thought of my safety. Part way down the trail I broke down in tears and continued crying for about an hour, all the way down the trail to the truck. RJ finally returned and asked what happened. Perhaps one of the hikers had mentioned that I was crying? I hugged my dog fiercely and turned to RJ, “Well, that was fun!” I again said sarcastically. He drove us down the mountain, while I cried in the front seat. Finally, he stopped and asked what was wrong. He didn’t have a clue. He said he was sorry, he did lie and he only heard what he wanted to hear, thinking I’d just wait on the trail for an hour or so while he walked on ahead. Would he do the same with the BergeFreunde members?
The next few days a part of me wanted to discuss what was going on with us. But I really had reached the point where I didn’t care. He had showed how unfeeling he could be. I said after the hike that I was upset about being overweight. I have a sedentary job and it is hard to just get up one morning and hike eight miles after gaining weight. He arrogantly said he was heavy at one time but with diet and exercise he was down to his current weight. I thought about who had been feeding him nutritious meals in the last two years. I had helped him become fit and he had no concern for the impact the meals were having on me. I can’t drink wine or beer. I had told him that over and over, yet he brought home alcohol without a thought to what I had said. I told him I wanted to eat less and eat better but he immediately make extra chocolate chip cookies or bought me a huge ice cream cone.
Finally, after the hike, I quit fixing meals, quit eating things with sugar, and started walking more. I lost ten pounds easily. When I mentioned the weight loss to RJ he snidely remarked that was only because it was summer and I was outside more. So much for being supportive. It was becoming harder to like this man and to take his rude remarks. Finally, I “found out” (we women do have our ways) that he had been planning (with the advise of his mom) to leave me and was surrepticously packing up items here and there. Numerous times he asked if I was going to be out one particular night. I mean with all the stealth why didn’t he just come out and say to my face that he was leaving? In the end he showed he has no conflict resolution skills and simply wimped out. When forced in an email to give a reason he only said we had nothing in common and he was moving on. I took the time off work on June 11th to supervise his packing. When he had loaded the moving truck I asked for my house keys, spun on my heels with my back to him and calmly walked inside my (own) house. Who is the loser now?
To date I am eleven pounds on the way to the forty pounds that I want to lose to a goal of 118 pounds! I eat to survive now and not for fun. No one will EVER, EVER make fun of me for being overweight again.
Days after he left, my doctor determined I have the Epstein Barr virus. There was no way I would have been able to bike a century ride or hike 15 miles until this virus is under control. But if RJ had truly loved me he could have/would have said he would support me and do whatever was necessary for me to be healthy so we could enjoy the outdoors together. It turned out that when things weren’t perfect for him he did what he had done before, moved on to mooch off someone else.
Do I feel better now? As I write this it is June 23, 2007. I have set goals for my weight, my finances and my future. When God closes one door he opens another. Opportunities are always around us, good relationships are out there. I CHOOSE not to let this two-year event harden me or make me closed to the future with a passionate, loving, caring man. I am strong. I am a women. I am capable of being the slender, athletic female I have always been. I will be happy because I believe God would have it no other way. He will direct me and protect me.
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